


But Don't Dwell

by WedgeTailed



Category: Chicago PD
Genre: Concern, Emotional Hurt, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 16:24:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19406986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WedgeTailed/pseuds/WedgeTailed
Summary: “Jay?” Adam asked, concern lacing his voice. “I’ll call you,” Jay said sharply, voice cracking on the last word. Without waiting for a reply, he quickly rushed out, hand held to his mouth as he shut the front door.





	But Don't Dwell

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her face and parents. Imagining them as a happy family. A family he had personally torn apart. Jay watched Adam, kneeling on the floor with 5-year-old Sammy showing him his toy car collection. Sammy’s favourite was a police car, just like the one his uncle drove. He couldn’t help the tears pool in his eyes thinking about that little girl. Moments like these spent in her living hours, happily showing her parents her toys, ideas and any other new thing she found or made.

He looked away, breathing, trying to hold back the tears that were growing increasingly harder to keep back. He grit his teeth, sucking in a breath and then stood up abruptly. He flashed a glance to Adam, who was looking at him with concern. Then to Sammy, whose innocent eyes bore into his soul and always make his heart melt. Almost the exact same eyes as his grandfather and uncle. “Jay?” Adam asked steadily, concern lacing his voice. “I’ll call you,” he said sharply, voice cracking on the last word. Without waiting for a reply, he quickly rushed out, hand held to his mouth as he shut the front door.

He fled down the steps and to his truck. He barely had enough time to jump in before tears spilt over his cheeks. He shoved the keys into the hole but found he couldn’t drive off. He gripped the steering wheel, biting his lip to make sure he would not start crying. Why was this effecting him so much? He’d seen and done worse things while on tour in the Army. Taking breaths to recover, he turned the key and drove off.

\---

Jay hadn’t called. He’d sent a brief text though. _I’m sorry, I’m okay._ Like hell he was. Adam found himself outside of Jay and Will’s door. He knew Will’s hospital schedule off by heart now, knowing he wasn’t going to be home that night. He took a deep breath, contemplating why he was there. Letting it out he had made his decision. Hastily, he knocked on the door. Adam could tell something was bothering his boyfriend, why else would he walk out on Sammy? The kid adored Jay. The door was wrenched open to reveal Jay. Adam froze, taking in the sight of the older man. He looked tired and like he’d been crying. 

“Hey,” Jay said hoarsely. “Hi,” Adam replied. There was a pause of silence between both. Both studying each other, assessing emotions and actions to take. “You coming in?” Jay asked. “Yeah,” Adam said, stepping in and toeing his shoes off. Jay paid no mind to him, turning and walking back to the kitchen. Adam walked cautiously into the kitchen and found four empty beer bottles, another half full one, clasped tightly between Jay’s hands. “That’s enough,” Adam said, grabbing the beer and placing it on the counter. He then took a seat on the bar stool next to Jay's, looking at him, still trying to assess what could be wrong. 

“Sammy was upset when you left,” Adam started. “Yeah?” Jay questioned half-heartedly, probably wanting something else to think about other than where his head had trapped him. “Yeah, he adores you,” Adam said, a slight smile on his face. When Jay didn’t move his smile dropped. “What’s wrong Jay?” Jay’s chest rose, taking in air and about to say something when a broken sob tore itself out of him. He collapsed forward onto the counter, shoulders shaking as he shamelessly sobbed. Adam sprung up and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. 

“It was my fault Adam. She’s dead because of me,” he hiccupped out. It finally clicked in Adam’s mind. “Jay-” “No, it was my gun Adam. My bullet that I fired. I shot and killed that little girl!” Jay all but yelled, angry at himself. Adam’s eyes were wide, and Jay faltered as he looked at him. “Sorry,” he said, looking down ashamed at himself. “No, let it out man,” Adam said. Jay hiccupped and sniffed, quickly swiping his hand underneath his nose. Adam sensed that he’d let all his tears out. He sat back down, still looking at Jay. “Jay, look at me.” Jay sighed then turned his head towards Adam.

Adam took a shaky breath then began. “I know that the bullet you shot hit that girl. But you had no way to know she was there. You-” “Adam, I-” “Listen to me! You had no way of knowing Jay! There was no possible way,” Adam said a little desperately. Jay turned away and set his jaw. Adam's eyes were prickling with tears when he next spoke, “You need to let it go, Jay. It’s no good if you sit on it. People die every day in the crossfire and I’m sorry for that. But your life goes on and you need to go on living it,” Adam was breathing hard, those tears slowly rolling down his cheeks, realising how much he needed Jay to understand. 

Jay let out a slow breath and turned to face Adam again. A fresh lot of tears rolled down his cheeks at Adam’s word. “I know. But that’s why I joined the police after Afghanistan. To help the innocent and to make up for…” he trailed off, looking down. Adam slid off his bar stood and knelt on the ground between Jay’s legs. “It’s okay,” he rumbled softly, “We need to continue to be strong for those who can’t be. Remember the dead, but don’t dwell.” Jay nodded, looked up and away from Adam, sniffed, then looked back down. “Yeah,” he agreed in a breaking voice.

Adam looked at his face for a second. He then stood up slowly, taking Jay’s hand. “Come on, you’ve had a long day,” he said gently, accompanied by a small tug on the detective’s arm. Jay unsteadily stood up, then slowly followed Adam as he led them to Jay’s bedroom. Adam slipped out of his jeans, Jay groggily following his lead. Adam pulled the covers back and got underneath them. Jay got in on the other side of the bed but quickly slid over to Adam. Adam pulled him close, holding him to his chest tightly. “I love you,” Jay whispered. 

They hadn’t said those words often enough to each other. Preferring to use actions instead of words. But a moment like this needed something more than just physical reassurance. There was a small silence until Adam tiredly uttered back, “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Argh, it's 2am. Ah well, when you get inspired, you just gotta write! I hope you all enjoyed this because it was painful for me to call Jay's vehicle a truck, where as in Australia it's called a ute :). Also this was loosely based on the events of season 5 episode 1. Sorry for any mistakes too!


End file.
